Broken

— from Jeff Hudelson

My mom subscribes to People magazine.  Sometimes when we visit, I catch myself reading one.  It’s a little embarrassing.

They get on me about it.  ”Glad you could come down here to read”… that sort of thing.  I don’t know what it is that draws me in.  There are pictures of beautiful, rich, powerful people in it, of course.  That’s enough to hold your interest right there.  But I think there’s more to it.  I find myself fascinated that they still have all the same problems that the people who live around here.

They can’t maintain a relationship.  There are secret addictions.  This one won’t work with that one because of a long, hateful grudge.

How can you get to the top and still hurt so much inside?

When I first started in ministry, I wanted to be well known.  I don’t think I ever planned it or wrote it down as a life-goal… but that ambition was there.  I wanted people to be proud of me.  I was regularly attending church growth conferences.  I would listen to the speakers there and think, “I could do better.”

It’s all a little embarrassing to think through now, but I would come home from these conferences with sharper leadership skills, but still buried in sin.

My identity wasn’t securely in Christ, but in being a big deal.

The irony is that, even in odd moments when I was sort of a big deal, it still wasn’t satisfying.  There would always be someone else who was a bigger deal.  I suspect that even if I got to the very top, I would still have been broken… I probably would lash out at the people around me, angry at them for keeping me from being happier.

Remember People magazine?  Is that what’s happening there?

Timothy Keller, in his book The Reason for God, discusses some of that. He talks about a mom, whose whole identity is in being a mom.  Well, what happens if the kids want to spend more time with friends than at home?  What happens if one of the kids comes home drunk when they’re 14?  What happens when they get married and move away?

The mom whose whole identity is in being a mom will feel like a failure, sooner or later.  Her kids, no matter how great or sensitive they are, cannot fill this brokenness inside of us.

If all the money, fame, power and beauty in People magazine can’t fill it, what can?

I have to come back to a couple of core realities:

1. I am broken.
2. I can only be made whole in Christ.

I try to camouflage my brokenness with material things, with relationships, or with success on the job.  I even try and mask that hard truth by ministry achievements… but to no avail.  Sooner or later, anything else will disappoint.  That disappointment will lead to anxiety and fear and anger.

I need to remind myself that I am broken.  I am out of order.  I need to give all of me - my sin and my successes - to Christ.  I will pursue him, and let him take care of the rest of it.  He won’t ever fail me.  And even when I fail, he forgives.

On this, Paul said, “I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do all this through him who gives me strength.”

Paul reminds me, I still have much to learn.